In today's Comedy Clip of the Week, we will enjoy some puns sent to me by Joan!
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close'. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part
stupid dog.
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks
German.
FOUND - DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat . been out
a while... better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull
for sale.
NORDIC TRACK, $300, Hardly used. Call
Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89
cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer.
$300
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call
Bettie.
AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of
Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best
offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
I know we've just passed Easter, but I love this story by Angela Gillaspie! Her comedy is perfect because it's real - she shares true stories of her family and her children, and many of us can relate.
Angela has several great comedy and inspirational audio books, safe for the whole family, at http://www.SouthernAngel.com.
Stuff a
miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream
drips.
*Maxine's Way *
Just suck the
ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying
on the couch with your feet up eating it,
anyway!
To keep
potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.
Buy Hungry
Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up
to a year.
When a cake
recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead
and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the
cake.
Go to the
bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
If you
accidentally over salt a dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix-me-up."
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.
Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and
I don't care how bad it tastes!"
Wrap celery
in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for
weeks.
Celery? Never heard of
it!
Brush some
beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy
finish.
The Mrs.
Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so
I don't.
Cure for
headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The
throbbing will go away.
Take a lime,
mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
If you have
a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip
grip that makes opening jars easy.
Go ask that
very cute neighbor if he can open it for
you.
Don't throw
out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
and sauces.
Leftover
wine???????????
HELLO
!!!!!!!
The trouble with bucket seats is
that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Do you realize
that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with
tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but
somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a
Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel
single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of
Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in
every joint, you are probably dead.
Some more free political satire from IMAO Podcast...hope you're enjoying their comedy. Check them out at www.IMAOPodcast.com. And if you're looking for more free, clean comedy audiobooks to download, you know where to look...Encouraging Audiobooks.
I love this podcast - funny, funny, funny! And pretty family friendly, too. They describe themselves as slightly right political leanings, but this group of comedy geniuses have a great range and versatility.
First I checked with HNL Design in the Netherlands (the owners of the gifs), and they gave me permission to do this. So please check out their site and the other funny gifs at:
Back in October of 2004, Encouraging Audiobooks sponsored the Clean Comedy Show in NYC during their week of comedy. We recorded the evening, and edited it down to the very best for a great family friendly comedy audio recording you will love.
Last year, Encouraging Audiobooks had a group of pet lovers record their favorite, funny stories on audio for a promotional CD that entrepreneurs in pet-related fields could give to their clients as a gift. Some, like this one, are as good as a comedy routine!
This true pet story comes from New Mexico Meteorologist Steve Stucker - hehehehe - I promise you'll listen to this one over and over again! And if you love this, you'll love the rest of our comedy audio books and free comedy videos, available for download from Encouraging Audiobooks.
1st Podcast Publishing - Audio/Video Magazine (Variety)
